Complaining

So yesterday I was eating breakfast with my boyfriend, and he had boiled some eggs, and I cut mine open and said; "Wow, that really is hard-boiled!" I like my eggs hard-boiled, if there is one thing that will make me gag it's gooey egg yolk running all over my toast. But my boyfriend took it differently and said; "That's what you wanted, right?" I found this puzzling, as I was trying to pay him a compliment, but he saw it as a complaint.
I had the same experience a couple of weeks ago, when we walked into a room for a meeting and I said: "Oh, it's warm in here!" I was happy about that, because it'd been cold outside, but the others took it the wrong way and said; "You shouldn't complain about that!"
There must be more examples, but I can't think of them right now, and trying to dig up negative responses from people out of your memory is no way to spend an afternoon.
But I do think it is interesting, and also somewhat worrying. Apparently, people's first response is to assume that you are complaining when you are making a neutral comment without expressing clear joy or happiness. I know I can sometimes come across as ironic or sarcastic, but in both these cases, I was just making off-hand remarks without any negative thoughts attached (or pronounced, as far as I know). This is not to say that the interpreters of my comments are wrong in interpreting the emotions of others, but maybe it does tell us something about the general mental state of people.

A few years ago, I bought A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen. This book encourages people to stop complaining (including gossip) for 21 consecutive days, which will then cure you from your negative state of mind. It provides you with bracelets that you have to move every time you do complain, so there is a physical action involved to tune your mind towards the complaining (I did not do the bracelet thing at the time, as I was working a job where I couldn't wear anything around my wrists for 8 hours at a time, but I might do it in the future). Now there is a lot of The Secret-like "The Universe will provide as long as you dare to ask" crap in there, including some veeeeery unbelievable "real life" examples and super-enthusiastic letters of experience from all of Will Bowen's family members, neighbours, and employees, but there are also some very good things in there.
One of the things that stuck with me is "people who hurt are hurting", meaning that people who cause harm or distress to others are themselves suffering from harm or distress, in whatever shape or form. Think about it. The last time you snapped at someone else, was there some other reason behind it? Were you tired, grumpy, stressed? Or was that person maybe doing something that annoys you in yourself but haven't been able to change? I think the general principle is true, and whenever people verbally assault or insult me, I usually try to see what might be behind this, and in many cases I can realise that their words are not specifically directed at me but just serve to relieve some of their own stress, so I don't get worked up or angry or sad myself (this can be very hard, as I'm not a very patient person).
Secondly, Bowen argues that the more we focus on the bad things, the more bad things there will be. Not really, of course, but if you lose sight of the good stuff, the bad stuff will more easily jump at you. This usually only works for your own bad stuff; as soon as someone talks about somebody else who is very sick, people generally appreciate their own health better, even though just 5 minutes ago they were complaining of back pain. But by focusing on that back pain, you are missing all the good things that you do have, and your mind becomes ingrained in focusing on bad stuff. This does not mean that you shouldn't say something if you are genuinely in pain, or distressed, or sad, but if it's just minor things, turn your attention to better prospects, and in the long run, you will notice more positive than negative things.
And finally, the people around you are often of the same "complaint-level" as you are. Groups of people often have similar levels of a multitude of things (income, education, political views) and complaining is no different. If you are thinking that all those people around you are complaining too much, then you probably are too. While reading the book, I started to notice this in people around me, both the positive and the negative, and I now have a lot less contact with several friends who were very negative and always complaining about things that they had caused themselves, could easily fix, or that were just out of anyone's reach (the weather). Complaining appeared to be their default mode of communication. Lessening the contact was quite a conscious action on my side, not because I did not like them anymore as people, but because I wanted to have a more positive outlook on life, and talking to them made me feel negative, sore, and depleated of energy.

Now I won't say this book did me any miracles, but the three main messages that I got out of it have helped me to get a better outlook on life. I can complain that I am sitting inside working while it's 24 degrees and sunny outside, and I can hear my neighbours laughing in their backyard, but that doesn't help the situation, and the work gets me money and the money will pay for my university fees for next year, so in the end that makes me happier. I've made a conscious choice to sit indoors and work, so why should I complain? I can still feel sorry for myself on the inside, but I've noticed that the more you focus on the good things while talking, the happier your 'inner voice' also becomes.
I do think many people have a negative outlook on life and assume that others are also complaining, and that this will be around for quite some time yet. But maybe we can all get a little bit more positive about our own life and situation with just a little effort.

Life in a day

In January 2011, Life in a Day came out. Youtube put it online for free in October 2011, which is when I first saw it. For those of you who do not know it; watch it. It is a film consisting of video clips shot by ordinary people from around the world, blended together to show life in a day. It truly does show life in a day; from births to deaths, from weddings to funerals, the mundane and the special, from city life to nature, from the joyful to the bereaved. There are some questions that are asked, and some stories come back several times, but otherwise it is a more or less chronological blend of events. The film is about 1.5 hours long, and I did not look at the clock or think about other things for the whole duration. There are not many things in this life which will keep your attention for 1.5 hours, but apparently, people just living their lives and sharing it with others will do it.
Yesterday evening, Britain in a Day came out, as part of the run-up to the British Olympics (there is a Youtube channel, but as far as I can see, you can't access it online yet). It is also 1.5 hours, and once again I watched everything without thinking too much about the outside world. Again, some stories come back several times, and some events, such as a football match between England and Spain, are shown from several angles; people inside the stadium, people watching it on tv, a man turning on the tv and his wife bickering about turning it of, etc. However, there were some fundamental differences with Life in a Day. Because it is only shot in Britain, you don't get the experience of seeing the sun come up in New Zealand while the day has not even started for most of the world, you don't see women pounding corn in Africa interspersed with our too-fast technology-crazy western world, and it does not end on the high, philosophical note as the original, with an American teenager crying in her car because her life was so ordinary for the day. Also, everything is in English, and even though there are many different religions and other culturally different groups in it, you don't get that feeling of diversity that Life in a Day gives you. You don't get the "this is what life is really like" but the "this is what Britain is really like" feeling. Which is exactly the point, and as I love British culture, this did not really matter.
But Life in a Day is definitely better. I think that we would all understand, appreciate, and accept each other and life in general more if everybody took 1.5 hours out of their day to watch it. It shows how we are all fundamentally united in our human lives. And looking at the comments on the Youtube film, I'm clearly not the only one who thinks this is a positive thing.